I can pause time in order to write as much code as I want without interruption.
Stack overflow won’t load while time is paused.
It must be written in Malbolge Unshackled using a keyboard that alternates between DVORAK and QWERTY layouts with each keystroke.
The code can only be written in VB.Net.
Your code always crashes. Always.
You can only write ‘hello world’
Air also stops, so moving causes unimaginable levels of friction and you cannot breath.
Instant teleportation
I cant decide between Trans Magic and the power to be able to infinitely summon a device at no cost any time that will answer correctly and precisely any question i ask it for no price, it knowing what i mean and wanting to help me. Summoning it will erase the previous device, keeping the memory of the information obtained from it
The ability to change the probability of events happening
You can only make things worse
Dang 😅 Who gets to decide whether I’m making something worse though?
Me.
You can’t pick which events. You only find out what they were after setting the likelihoods, and can never change them a second time.
Applies only to non terrestrial events
You need to amass one kilogram of your own feces in a ceremonial bag for the power to take effect.
Name checks out, thank you Spiderman :3
The ability to find any file I please from anywhere I choose no matter how confidential or copyrighted it is. (It’s… for a Club Penguin archival project, yeah)
The download speed is always 10Kib/s.
It comes buried in a folder full of 999 other files, with names from 000 through 999. Which file it is is random.
All the other files are porn of your biggest turn-off. This is mostly just an annoyance.
The ability to choose side effects to other people’s super powers
You get hit with the same side effect
Okay, yeah, but then all you have to do is give everyone beneficial side effects.
Be able to transform into animals
The transformation takes about a week each way. So you have a lot of awkward time where you’ve got furry privates and horrible clawed hands while you wait for the change to complete.
Oh you had to go there - Op becomes the most successful account on patreon.
Mind reading
Whenever you do it, the fact you’re reading someone’s mind is announced loudly in their mind and in the minds of anyone nearby.
It turns out nobody really thinks often enough for you to get any information
When you read someone’s mind you involuntarily blurt out everything you read.
In exchange, all of your thoughts are broadcasted onto an account on every social media, no matter how small, with your name attached to it.
All thoughts are formatted in .docx
I’m gonna choose the side effect and you choose the power:
“I ___, but only when I’m hard.”You can give moving public speeches
Can revive the dead
“I’m gonna explain everything later, just don’t interfere.”
become immensely popular as a male role model
“can see”
Better take viagra!
save kittens from trees
am the world’s greatest kindergarten teacher
You can captivate the attention of any child. You’re a comedian or magician that would absolutely kill it at any children’s birthday party. You would be a fantastic teacher as you can hold the wrapped attention of even the most tiktok-corrupted teen.
Except, there’s just one small problem…
I’m Mr beast?
being happy
I don’t need superpowers, just let me not be depressed while retaining a functioning cock/not feeling numb to the world.
Alright, fun’s over, let the monkey’s paw curl.
You experience no such thing as want or discomfort, you dehydrate and die within a few days.
I can upvote or downvote as many times as I want
only you see it
I already have this power.
The ability to turn lead into gold just by touching it and saying a short incantation.
Whenever you do this, you turn all the gold you aren’t touching within a kilometer radius into lead. That includes gold in electronics, so you would instsntly break every computer within a kilometer radius.
Folk with gold fillings better watch out!
you now have tourette’s and speak that incantation uncontrolably. the only medication for it is lead-based. lead is otherwise harmless to you.
You can never remember the incantation
The incantation is the full unedited script of The Bee Movie and you have to do a Seinfeld impersonation when reciting his lines.
the incantation is a 5min long praise of Jeffrey Epstein
infinite money
You have to use the heaviest legal tender viable. E.g., 100 pennies as opposed to a dollar. You can buy a house, but you’d be doing so with many, many metric tons of copper.
But it’s a currency you cannot spend or convert.
However, you must personally hand-deliver every employed person’s paychecks in your country.
No, you cannot move to the Vatican to avoid living in a populated nation.
Infinite bills
Every single (non-human) animal is friendly to me.
Every time I brush my teeth, they glow in the dark for the next 24 hours
