I was exposed to a bad PTSD trigger on Saturday and dissociated for a bit and have been in a state of derealization since. Now that my therapist helped me not panic about this feeling, I’ve found myself curious about how other people have experienced this.
For me, everything seems muted. People and their expressed emotions, colors, general vibes in different situations etc. Everything is just wrong and unsettling. It’s like everything just isn’t existing enough to feel tangible. Iam fully aware that my perception is very wrong because I’ve asked people if things seem off at all and they’ve said no. I was very scared for like two days until I was able to book an appointment with my therapist and now I’m not as scared and the derealization doesn’t feel as disconcerting, but it’s still there. Hoping things will be back to normal when I wake up in the morning.
I remember sometimes when I’d “crash” my bike between classes in college (actually just using concrete walls as an emergency brake because it was raining and my brakes weren’t maintained). From there until I finished the ride, I’d feel like the world was grey-scale and I was observing myself finishing the task of getting to my destination. I’d feel like it was stupid that the person in the body continued biking despite the non-functional brakes without making any changes how they were riding, but my conscious mind had no say in the matters, a prisoner to whatever stupidity the body chose to do. Fortunately that would go away shortly after parking the bike.
Without any acute triggers, I also just often felt like an outside observer in things or things would feel like a dream. That was a pretty normal experience.
After realizing I was dealing with DPDR, any time I had any minor change to my routine (like switching commuting method, changing work shifts, etc), I’d feel like I was suddenly plopped into the body I possessed and the memories of that body had been forced onto me and I had to pretend to try to be them because that’s what was expected. Granted, given I haven’t had that issue in about 2 years, at least I got that fixed.
Being self-aware just makes it worse.
So did you fix the brakes or what
No, they died unfortunately. Really tragic story, if only life gave them a brake.
No. Eventually I got into some accident. Wasn’t even raining that day as far as I know. Literally have no clue what kind of accident or exactly where (just which classes it was between): I got a concussion and I had no memories of it even a few hours later based on texts I sent a friend asking why my mouth was bleeding. Anyways, the bike was beat-up enough that I just replaced it despite it getting me around campus for a while after that.
So I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that along with your “I just stop by crashing instead of brakes” technique you weren’t wearing a helmet either?
This comment thread has been a weird journey
You would be correct. Not that a helmet would have done anything; haven’t hit my head from a bike accident since I was a child. I wear one now, but since I’ve started breaking bones from bike accidents.
Feels like a journey telling the story too. Feels like I’m telling the story of a stranger 😂