ETA: Thank you all for providing your opinion about this question. Iâm contacting my mother and asking her about what she would want, Iâll follow her lead and support what she decides. As said I donât believe she wants those toxic family members or her families around on a moment so special like saying your last goodbye to a husband. And neither do I.
Iâd prefer a public funeral excluding them or conducting a small Christian ritual for family only where we can mourn him like we want but if she wants them around, so be it.
Funerals are for the living.
Thank you all.
My Christian, old republican southerner father wants me to attend his Christian funeral with all of his surviving relatives present. I donât believe in any god, he knows that. He needs a religion to give a meaning to his life? Knock yourself out.
Religion is not the main problem here. The main problem is how close minded and fake people are in a southern small town in GA and above all, relatives. 2 aunts love to pretend everything is fine, they excel doing that on funerals and weddings, then stab you in the back as soon as youâre not within ear distance, either need drama to feel important or have way too much free time.
I wouldnât mind a small Christian ritual with my mother, my brother, a priest and nobody else, but these women and their husbands? They drag everyone down with their stupid grudges about yard sales and business deals made in the early 2020s and seem to be envious of those who left that place and found something better. Last time I saw them, 7 years ago, they complained I donât call them. What for?
Iâm better off without them and donât have the bandwidth to deal with them.
Family seems to be an identity issue for my father, the idea that his whole family wonât bury him together scares him. I told them I will honor him my way, with luck on the hospital bed where he dies or at home, that mother and brother are welcome to honor him with me, that I wonât attend a funeral with people I donât like but he is not listening: he is now retorting to manipulate me (it would be so good, wouldnât it be niceâŚ?)
My father is not cognitively impaired. The easy way out would be to tell him âsure, Iâll come to your funeral with all those assholes you care so much aboutâ and after he dies, ignore it. I suspect my mother would agree, because she wasnât born in GA and these aunts always felt superior to her, something my father always downplays because âweâre familyâ.
I like treating my father like an adult and want genuine conversations with him. To me, placating him on a thing like this means accepting my father has become a 5 year old who needs to be lied to so he doesnât start feeling sad or feels Iâm attacking him. It doesnât feel right.
But it feels worse to pretend I respect those lying assholes or to listen to their boring life I donât care about.
So what do I do?
On the other hand, it is immature and even selfish to care about the details of your own funeral. Your funeral is specifically an event for people who loved you, to process their grief. You will definitionally not be around to care about any of it, let your loved ones process their grief however they want.
If it was unusually selfish to care about how you were honored after you die, then nobody would be buying grave monuments or fancy urns.
Caring about your funeral at the end of your life seems to be a pretty common human experience. Hearing that your own child canât be bothered to attend the event that is meant to honor your life is hard. I imagine it makes them feel like their child doesnât love them as much as they thought they did.
Would I care if my child didnât attend my funeral? No, Iâd be dead. Would I care if my child told me that they were going to skip my funeral because they couldnât tolerate a brief encounter with my annoying (never accused of actual abuse) sister? Yes, because it would show me that my child is being self absorbed in that moment and canât muster up the energy to even pretend to care about my feelings on my deathbed.
I wonder how many unpleasant things OPâs father endured while raising themâIâd imagine a lot. Sometimes we bear little burdens for the people we love, and thatâs totally normal, in my opinion.
I wouldnât say unusually, but yes, people are known to be selfish and immature sometimes. Especially when faced with something scary and unavoidable, like death, and backed by culture and tradition.
People receive and express love in different ways. Not understanding and engaging with that is immature. Trying to manipulate another person into doing something uncomfortable after your death for no material reason at all is selfish.
Maybe the father can bear the little burden of not doing anything and not being materially affected in any way, then.